Celebrity Duets

I’ve mentioned that Robin and I are reality TV addicts, right? But I have standards. I don’t just watch any reality show. It has to be good or funny or on the air. After seeing several million promos for Celebrity Duets, I am unable to resist the temptation to watch it at least once; I set it up on my DVR. Seriously, it’s on Fox-- the same network that gives us American Idol. How bad can it be? That's a rhetorical question. Thursday is the first night I watch it.

Though I’m not a music teacher now, my B.S. (in more ways than one) is in Music Education. So before I begin my recap let me assure you. You can TRUST me. I know what I’m talking about and I am able to use LARGE musical WORDS to describe what you have heard.

First up, Lucy Lawless. Where have I been since Zena went off the air? Lucy Lawless looks nothing like I remember. I almost couldn’t concentrate on her singing because I was so distracted by her blonde hair. Lucy seems excited to sing with Dionne Warwick but all I could think is Dionne Warwick, she’s old! Who wants to sing with someone a million years old? The voice, like skin and every other body part, deteriorates with age. And believe me, there isn’t any plastic surgery available for voices. Just ask Julie Andrews.

Here’s what the judges said:
Judy – Not good. Lucy’s voice isn’t bad but the song is just so-so.
Marie – Timid – A little in your nose - (Musical term: too nasal) I didn’t hear this but I was distracted by the hair and worrying that Dionne would fall down as she walked the steep slope thing on the set.
Little Richard – “I Love Lucy!” Get some blues. – I’m thinking Little Richard is unable to communicate and I don’t know how right I am.
David – Liked it. He recommended that Lucy ask for a higher harmony part next time. – I agree, an alto voice is very pleasant to listen to but it doesn’t grab the attention like the higher vocals.

Next up, Alfonzo Ribeiro. Alfonzo sings with Deniece Williams. Denise WHO? How out of it am I? (I don’t know it yet, but that feeling is going to get A LOT stronger). I don’t know the name of the song (and they don’t provide it, not during the show OR on their website which is VERY annoying) but the chorus has “too much, too little, too late to try again with you”.

Here’s what the judges said:
Judy -Alfonzo was very good, and he harmonized with Deniece really well.
Marie – Great ending, stop bouncing, connect more with your partner
Little Richard – My big toe shot up. Don’t let your voice write a check your rhythm can’t cash
David – Pretty good. Don’t whine about being sick.

Third, Carly Patterson sings with Jesse McCartney. The girls in the audience go crazy. I’m old. I know this now for certain, because I don’t have a clue who he is. I need to call my 14 year old niece--or is she 15 year old now? Is this a sign of mental deterioration due to age? I think I'm becoming paranoid about my age--back to the show. Jesse sings very nasally. I’m shocked to think he may be a singing professional. Style is everything these days, I guess. Of course, that completely explains the fact that people actually play Jessica Simpson on the radio. (Did you ever hear how she butchered the classic Christmas song, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? I wasn't sure if I needed to throw up or take a shower after I heard it. Oops , digressing again.
I 'll stop. I promise.)

Here’s what the judges said:
Judy – Well, I didn’t hear dogs howling but I’m still wearing my socks.
Marie – You’ve come remarkably far. Your body needs to loosen up.
Little Richard – You’ve come a long way. You’ve got a long way to go.
David – David points out that Little Richard just repeated what he said to Carly last week, and that Marie has become the bitch from hell. He then recommends that Carly sing from her diaphragm and not her throat.

Our next singer is Hal Sparks. Hal is the first contestant I haven’t heard of (as opposed to professional duet partner). Hal sings with Dennis DeYoung. Dennis is someone famous. Being a lover of the Carpenters has not prepared me very well for this blogging experience and so I can’t exactly tell you what famous band Dennis was or is in but it’s a big one. Dennis sings very well. You can really see the confidence in the professionals, that’s for sure. However Hal is very good. Robin LOVED him. She found him amazingly hot! She found him to be hot. She thought he was HOT. Are you getting it? Robin thought Hal was hot.

Here’s what the judges said:
Judy – EXCELLENT!
Marie – You’re reinventing yourself. Great job.
Little Richard – Lots of feeling, you got rhythm, get some blues.
David – You can sing but you’re not a rock star.

Cheech Marin is next, singing with Aaron Neville. He had a great line in his opening set up bio. Referring to last week’s performance that apparently put him in the bottom two: “They dangled me over the edge, but killed somebody else!” Cheech sings Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone. (Yea! I recognized the song AND knew the name. Woohoo!) This performance was a text book example of the pitfalls of singing with someone else, especially someone unused to singing with others. I know Aaron Neville has sung some famous duets but I don’t believe those duets were sung with as much unison as this one. It showed.

Here’s what the judges said:
Judy – I wanted it to be good but….
Marie – If this contest was about charm you would win. Unfortunately…
Little Richard – I know, I know, he didn’t know.
David – You don’t belong here anymore

Jai Rodriguez was the last performer. I don’t know who he is. Somehow this mindless escapist fun has shone a spotlight on my age, or my uncoolness. All is not lost--however--Robin recognizes him as one of the Queer Eye guys. Jai sings with Taylor Daynes. Hmm. I haven't ever heard of her. She's old though--shouldn't I know her? I'll google her. I go to her website. This does not actually help me to recognize her. Maybe the problem is that Taylor's looks have been unnaturally preserved. She looks plastic and smooth with amazingly plump lips. Is it good genes or botox? Only her plastic surgeon knows for sure. Robin said her mouth moved like a muppet. Not a good look.

Here’s what the judges said:
Judy – It was competent. Enjoyable.
Marie – You relate well to the camera but your choreography was awkward. Wayne Brady, the host, steps in and defends Jai saying he wasn’t the choreographer, but Marie says he should have refused to do the stupid moves.
Little Richard – Picked it up, pulled it out, put it in, Ooh! Its official Little Richard is an idiot.
David – Tonight was a big miss

Robin and I voted for Hal out of his hotness and Cheech out of pity.
Tomorrow we’ll find out who goes.